Couples: Why You Keep Having the Same Fight

Many couples don’t fight about the issue they think they’re fighting about.

Money arguments are often about safety. Chores are about fairness. Silence is about protection. Most recurring conflicts are patterns — not problems.

In therapy, we slow the cycle down. We look at what each partner does when stress rises: who pursues, who withdraws, who shuts down, who escalates.

These patterns usually make sense given your histories — but they stop working over time.

Couples work isn’t about deciding who’s right. It’s about learning how to recognize the pattern early and respond differently. Repair matters more than perfection.

When couples learn to interrupt the cycle, connection becomes possible again.